I have returned to work – part time and for not so much money. With a teenager still needing to be supported (at least 2 mandatory years of education and several years of support whether college or trying to get a job at home), I welcome an opportunity to earn a little bit after being jettisoned into an early retirement.

Now I need to square the finances, and the options are over whelming – yes I think I am lucky. Whilst my pension is nowhere near that of my colleagues it is still more than many and I currently have options.

Pension planning when you are young is always hard. I berated myself of late but actually when I came to think of it I did have a plan as both myself and my first husband had government pensions.  Unfortunately divorce changed all that and it was at that time I hadn’t really quite realised the implications and sorted it all out – there are so many things going on at this deeply emotional time that I can forgive myself.  My second husband gave away his pension (he was self-employed) to his first ex-wife and kept the equity in the house. Fair enough, but sadly spent the savings from the equity on the second wife.  Hence my pension now needs to cover two people.

I am not good at money. By and large being rich wasn’t on my agenda, hence I am now bewildered and overwhelmed with how to make the most of the assets and income, and like many are concerned how to make them last, provide for some retirement treats whilst trying to work out what best to do to be able to provide care at the end.  I am worried that a financial adviser will cost a lot. I am not sure whether the advice would be value for money.  I have bought a magazine I saw at the supermarket called “ How to retire in style”. It cost £4.99!!. It outlines things in general and so is a little helpful. It can’t tell me that “it will all be alright” or how to make it alright which is of course what I want!

Since going back to work, I miss the energy and creativity I had with not working. It had taken a while and some coaching to access it, but despite financial fragility I was feeling excited about exploring life, having time to see people I love and see what other talents I might have – and come to terms with the fact that these might be limited even if enjoyable.  The uncertainty of the future and finance certainly hangs over me and partly dictates my life choices at the moment.   Is this sensible? Sayings such as “no-one ever moaned about not spending enough time at work when on their death bed” comes to mind and I wonder whether I have made the right choice to go back to work. I suspect it will take a few months for the new routine and place of work to become familiar and so be less stressful. I am lucky I do enjoy my work, but did I enjoy finding new things to do more fun?  I was beginning to look at work as a bizarre aberration that comes between the play of childhood and the resumption of play in retirement rather than the driving force of your life which it becomes in your work years.  Equally is returning to work easier than facing the challenge of finding out new things about yourself? Have I taken the easy option hiding behind the need for more finance?

I am hoping I will adjust to the new work and when not at work I won’t revert to the exhausted overwhelmed person, but feel more optimistic about achieving things both work and creatively orientated. I hope my insight to the joy of full retirement means that I will set a time limit for the return to work.  In the mean time I want to stay grateful for the problem of work or no work and for having these choices.