We all know that time is relative, from the scientific theories to our everyday experience. Time goes fast when you are enjoying yourself so the proverb says. We all know how slowly time goes when you are doing something you hate e.g. will the maths lesson never be over?

With retirement the feeling of time has changed again. I am trying to find a way of understanding.

Previously work governed time:-

Time punctuated with busy mornings, missed lunch hours, over running afternoons, late to get home, caught up in traffic, meals to cook, bedtimes to supervise and collapse in front of the TV/with book/ catch up with CPD/Journals/audit/finances/care for elderly parent. Or night shifts to adapt to. Overall a semi-predictable and somewhat stressful busy unrelenting routine that has been on going for many years punctated by life saving holidays to look forward to and rest. A feeling of achievement for the input of time both at work and at home as the clients get better and leave replaced by others (it felt like I never got anyone better there was always a long queue for health services no matter what I did) kids grew, the house is remodelled, and the seasons pass and are celebrated appropriately. Daily goals achieved, monthly achievements, seasonal and yearly, marked by celebrations, birthdays marked as required. Life was developing, making sense, making a contribution.  It was easy to avoid thinking about time, engaged in the tangled ball of life events.

I retired and moved within a month.

Now I have no relation for time to be measured against.

In retirement there is not a concept of waste of time in the same way.  And it is easy to flitter around all day being busy but achieving not much. But is achieving “something” just putting yourself under pressure again so you might as well work?

Previously time was in relation to work, or getting home and sorting out the family stuff, from meals to washing and time with them.

A few days off  were spent “enjoying” doing something nice e.g. walk the dog preferably in the sun as a break from the whirling of life. Newspapers were read to catch up with the world outside and partly as an obligation to keep up with the world issues that also affected the world of work and family.

Now every day is in reference to getting this house sorted/renovated.  It is consuming so much time. 6 months have already zoomed past; broken up with two long episodes of mother care extra to the usual support she gets as a matter of course. Sorting out boxes of property is slow and painful. Yet there is no quick way. I just have to go through it. Only a quicker and more frequent recourse to the bin can improve it.  So we haven’t even finished the move yet. So it feels I haven’t achieved anything. Have I been wasting time?

Yet “my distractions” keep me sane which is important whilst detracting from the central goal of house renovation and unpacking/decluttering (again) as space at a premium.  Highlights for distraction/diversion are still walking the dog, and when the sun is out, the easy access to views and walks by the sea taking in coffee some days are to rightly be envied and I believe grasped to make life worth living.  As is swimming in the Lido. We have had some trips to the big city local and to London, been to the theatre etc. And the odd afternoon/evening  getting to know a new neighbour has been great. But the central goal to have the house straight is a long way off. With chicken and egg of physical work v planning, researching keeping the sense of moving forward is hard. It is also hard for me to know when it should be OK to research indeed necessary and so have apparently unproductive days and accept it. These days just dissolve into a messy constellation of  loss of reality days, beating myself up days, boring days when it is easier to play games on the phone than wonder what can be usefully done next a much more painful path.

We are having a quiet Saturday. WE lie in – is it a waste of time? What else would we be doing? Not working in the conventional sense. Tidying up – well did a load yesterday and there is more to do. I am not fully unpacked – stuff in storage. I go through the contents of study & kitchen. Why did I ever need 4 staple removers? Yet I am reluctant to throw them away. I have thrown loads of stuff away and regret more than I would like. Yes 4 staple removers is silly.

I had planned to work through my files, writing up the topics or discarding. But 6 months and haven’t even started. Barely unpacked them. They are now on the shelves looking accusingly at me.

How to measure time now?, “wasting”, don’t waste a minute my grandmother said “ you will never get it back”. How to relax – isn’t retirement one long relax – if so, we aren’t having any of it. Goals – if you have them more likely to be “productive in life” is a common saying on self help sites ( rather than just meandering through) but isn’t life what happens when you are busy making plans?

It feels like this house is swallowing time like a whale swallowed Jonah. We are the Jonah. How did he bear all those years in the dark going nowhere? Why do I need to go somewhere?

And I know that time will pass all too swiftly to where the end is. And I will look back and wonder where it all went.  And yet I try to spend every second mindfully aware of the present, getting better at the challenging emotions rather than looking for the “ happiness”/joy. Is old age about realising every moment is a joy in its own way?

And so the meandering thoughts that go round my head come to a slow down as sunset comes outside the window.  I recognise the familiar feel of guilt, a heads constriction, palpitations of not having achieved “enough”, not having a sense of accomplishment.

Will I ever be comfortable in “me” again? Was all that work busyness partly to avoid these questions of what is the point? One of the key questions of human philosophy. I found the solution in Teenage but now have come back faces to face with it when my mortality – private apocalypse – makes it more painful more critical and yet still impossible to answer.  If I hadn’t been so busy would I have sorted it out by now – well “The grass is always greener but just as difficult to mow” so perhaps not but maybe I might have worked out some ways to be happier with reality rather than the avoidance option I bought into or perhaps gone mad in contemplating it?

And then I read Oliver Burkeman – somewhat serendipitously – an article in the supplement of the Saturday guardian. He quotes Henri Bergson’s “Time and Free will”. In a nutshell when we are young time feels big and plentiful because lots of choices in front – however the downside is making lots of Key decisions. A decision then precludes lots of choices so your time/focus is less and there are losses.  In midlife, apparently according to Kieran Setiya, a philosopher in his early 40s you think you are nostalgic for your youth but really you wish you had all those choices to decide with your current knowledge and wisdom.  What is this to do with time?  This touches on the concern to not waste time, whilst relaxing, not working. Time no longer feels infinite with infinite opportunities.  Hence the feel for time has critically changed. Hence this adds to the challenge of this retirement transition.

And as I think all these things time passess…. No answer no achievement….

I am not sure this is all makes sense, but time is quite hard to get to grips with. I have already needed three weeks to think and develop and this is only as far as I got. So I will post it anyway while I continue the research.